first, i want to apologize for the way that i have treated you this evening. i am really grateful for your help towards me. i do. and i hope you know this. you helped me a lot. even from the very beginning of this relationship. i am very thankful for that.
but i don't know why you don't seem to understand me that well. when i projected it very well, i do not want you to do this, its because i really don't want you to do it. you should know, there is a reason why i don't want you to do it.
from the very beginning, i already told you not to flip through my documents. its because i really don't want you to see it. until last week, i still refuse to let you to check my documents, can't you respect me? i already showed you that i do not want you to look or read my documents.
you even offered to do and check all the ptptn procedure for me. the normal me of course i will let you handle it. i would be happier because i do not need to care about it at all. but this, i showed you that i want to do it by myself and all i needed is your advice.
why can't you understand?
I didn't mean to say all those things to you in the heritage hall, i am really thankful that you are there to help me. i really do.
The truth is, i don't want you to look at my results. i am not you. i don't have so many A's in my spm. and i hardly have an A in my foundation result. i can't reach 3.0, never in my dreams. i am not up to your mark.
i can pretend to be smart as much as i can. but deep down i know, i am not any better than bt. all my friends from foundation, they were just borderline pass. some can't even make it. i am just one of the lucky ones. i was so depressed last year because of my general maths. i am really ashamed of it. how can you not know?
i am not smart. you do not know how envy i am towards you. you have such supportive parents. my parents pays attention towards a dead guy more than me. i wanted to show them my life in kampar, but they never have the time to come and see me. and said i will not gain anything at all even if they visit me. all i want, is just to let them see how my life is. but it seems like a very difficult task for them.
unlike yours, your whole family helps you. from fengshui, shift rooms, decorate. they are there for you. i really have none. i only have you. i am really not happy today. and you know that. maybe that is you. you just like to do things that i don't like even after i clearly said that i don't like and don't want you to do. you still do it. maybe you think it is funny. i certainly not.
maybe our level is really that far apart. i already tried to learn from my friend. don't think about the future, just care about what is happening now. i did try, but still, do we really have a future? your parents are so strict. i am no way up to the mark. i just have to admit that, i am just not smart enough for you. my results stated so.
my friends asked me whether i can handle this or not, having a bf that is good in studies. while i can't even get through general maths without the lecturer's help. how much pain i went through just to change course. how much pain i went through during the break up. how much more pain i had at home for these 2 months. how ashamed i am towards myself. my friends will be graduating soon. you already in year two. where am i? every time mummy said things like i will be wasting another three years. all i feel is shame.
that is not really what i wanted. do you really think that i want this? i already made it very clear that i don't want you to look at my documents, but why you just never listen? i was so busy trying to make sure all the documents are right, but you keep on flipping my documents when i am so busy. how am i suppose to react?
why won't you listen to me, for just once.
2 comments:
I dont mean to look through your results. i just want to make sure you have the right documents. it does not matter to me if you have As or not. like crossing of ICs. i am just asking you to protect you. legally with uncrossed Ic and pay slip. anyone can just go to the bank and get a loan that you will be liable for.
You will have to know what you want in life. if you really want to show your parents how good you are, go all out. get results that will stun them and make them feel guilty of treating you like this. feeling ashamed will not help you in any way.
do you know how i felt after your comments. if i wanted to see your documents i have other ways. your remarks made me felt that i helped the wrong person. if you have learn anything from me is that i dont like my brothers behavior of relying on others so much. and you basically did that. i dont mind helping you but then you have to listen to what i say. every time you make choose not to listen you are actually making me not wanting to tell you more. anyhow you are lossing out. i dont mean to imply what i say is always right but as far as PTPTN is concerned i have made mistakes during my submission that i dont want you to make.
I am also still learning from you on how to work my way through people. so dont really think that i am that good. in actual fact comparing to the people i seen in A levels they are so much better than i am.
who are you to me if you are not someone that I can rely on?
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