missing

didn't blog for quite some time now. been keeping myself very busy with things. which, is a good thing for me. final exams season, though i don't feel scared at all with my papers. eventho i do not know anything at all and my knowledge is zero. and i'm still not worried. weird me.

been very tired. very very tired. feel like dozing off during the day. but couldn't really sleep at night when i am all alone in my room after i switched off my lights. have not been hearing my brother's name for a week i think. maybe that is why i don't feel much.

suddenly his name pops up during one of the conversation. felt a pinch in my heart. mum gave me 3 missed calls. so i called her back when i reached home. i asked whether she want me to go back celebrate her birthday with her. she said she don't wanna have any birthday this year. will wait for me to come back after finals. maybe have a decent meal. her voice was shaky, can burst into tears any minute by then.

I don't feel good too.

the other day when i was leaving my shop with my dad, a friend of his passed by and said "Hi". Then my dad introduced me as the 3rd one (as in third child in the family). I felt uneasy, i am never the 3rd. i'm always the 4th. is daddy trying to wipe things off or trying to avoid the conversation that will head to things like what is your son doing? what is his job? where is he?

simply just to avoid those questions coming? feeling really tired. sleep cannot take away this tiredness. felt the pinch in my heart tonight. ignoring is not a good choice. the feeling will just come back. everybody is just trying to keep themselves busy. so am i. so that i will not think what happened.

i just wanna think what i wanna do later. what i wanna do tomorrow. i don't wanna think what happened. i wanna get out from the past. and keep on moving forward.

you left us without even saying goodbye. keeping your stuff, not wanting to throw them away. your room is still there. your clothes are still there. but the bed is always empty. the door is always open. something is definitely, missing.