Kenapa?

I always wanted to blog, to jot things down. But something is stopping me to do so. Writing a diary is never my forte. Publishing whatever I wanna say is not something that I want to do. Somehow, I don't want people to read, because I don't want people to know so much about me. In a way, I am scared. I am scared that people will use it back on me. To pull me down.

Lately, I can't control my emotions. I am really tired of this. I guess, I am really not happy with who I am. It takes a great deal to actually change myself. I need to open up to somebody. I need to talk to somebody. I want to spill everything out. I want people to really understand me. Knows me, and to guide me.

I really don't wish to always see people being friends with me because they need something from me. I want a real friend. A genuine friend. Someone who really listens to what I gotta say. I always find myself listening to others, analyzing people. I really don't want to do that. Because I am scared of being used.

I've been trying to build a tough image, nothing can take me down. I don't give a flying fuck to anybody. Deep down, I care. A LOT. I have a pile of shattered pieces of my heart, being mend together. I've tried very hard to put all the pieces together, but lately, something is tearing the plasters off. Every time, I can feel there is something slashing my heart. The pain, is unbearable.

Nobody is willing to lend me an ear, to hear me out. Not even someone that is close to me. I can only show my dissatisfaction to this world. The angry side of me. The sad me. I can never project any happiness. Because, I feel lonely. All I want is a genuine friend, that is willing to listen to what I wanna say, a little sympathy will do.

I am tired of making the image where, I can handle my own stuff and I don't need your help. Actually, I need everybody's help to pull myself together. But how? my very own bf don't even understand me and complains about me. It made me feel utterly useless. I am a piece of junk that nobody wants. I shall just die, isn't that better in a way? I wanted to. I wanted to die, as soon as possible, just like my brother.

But the thought of my parents, hugging together and cried made me think that I shouldn't do this to them. But I am in great pain. I was there to console everybody, to act tough that everything is ok. But I am not ok, nobody is there to console me. I don't need you to pity me. I only need you to understand how I feel.

but I can say, nobody knows how I really feel. Nobody knows what I am going through. people around me only knows how to use people to get what they want. And I am tired of judging people. i am drifting myself apart as well. Because i really hate to be used by other people.

I am not really that bad whatever I said may sound sarcastic but that is not what I meant. I do not be friends with you just because you can give me benefits only. As I said, I just want a genuine friend. A real friend. I find no point doing gatherings, yumchar, or whatever. Because I know, in reality, people don't give a fuck about you. We will go to our separate ways.

I also don't want to think too much, just that I am tired of being used. tired of being scared of being used. tired of losing whatever I have. tired of being misunderstood that I am such a bitch. If you treat me good, of course i will treat you good.

Even my own bf thinks that I am a demanding bitch that only be friends with people because of my own benefits. what more can I say? i am tired of trying to change the way he thinks. but I gave up. there is no point. the things that I said to you, is about you. Is not what I really think. Because I don't want other people use you. and whatever you do, doesn't make sense to me. you do it, because you like it. but all i can feel is disrespect to me. if you ever think of me before you do something, whether I will be angry or not about your action, then think about, are you respecting me just like how I respect you?

clearly you are not. just admit that you do not value me at all. you only think about what you wanna do, don't care about whether I am ok with it or you respect me or not. you clearly do not think of me, at all. because you just wanna satisfy yourself. In a relationship, trust, mutual understanding, respect and others. I think, you should know. But I think you don't know.

There must be something that you can do, so that I can trust you. If whatever you do respects me, of course I will not be angry. But lately all I get is, we are from 2 different world. you are too sad. In a relationship, you need to accept each other, be it from 2 different world. is because you don't accept me, that's why you said it's 2 different world.

I am tired of explaining, analyzing for you why you should or shouldn't do this when we are in an argument. I just hope that you actually try to analyze yourself. but you never, I analyze for you because I wanna save my own relationship, but clearly you never put any effort. you can just give up on me, that easily.

Why can't I be sad? you broke my heart last year, my brother died, my friends are shit, my bf do not try to understand my feelings at all. I do not deserve to be sad? Are you even there to console me and ask me if I am ok lately? Never right? And here you complain that I am sad? After listening to such comment, of course I will be more sad!

How am I going to save myself? I do I stop being so sad? How?